‘Kate’s selling of a skincare dream after 30 years having her skin cared for exclusively by other people is a serum too far’
The Olympic-standard smoker has started her retail range modestly with just six products, none of which are ashtrays or eau de Bensons.
The world-famous model has finally dipped her toe into the market which is already crowded with beauty products from everyone who’s been famous for five minutes.
Nail varnish from Machine Gun Kelly? Step right up. Acid Drops skin serum from Harry Styles’ Pleasing range? Come and get your ‘smooth lucidity’.
Fancy a splash of Scarlett Johansson’s The Outset? You’ll also get ‘the unexpected of the understated’.
And we’re already slathering on SKKN by Kim and wondering if anyone in her branding team has ever considered the name is one K away from men in pointy hoods.
If Kate wants to sell me anything it’s whatever she’s used during the decades of cocaine-shovelling, booze-swilling partying, which earned her the nickname The Tank. Technically the 48-year-old should look like the washed-out bath towel which only gets used when the nice ones have run out.
After five years of teetotal clean living, she only snorts the Cotswolds air now. But her ‘never complain, never explain’ mantra about fame has been blown by the launch of Cosmoss, however good the name is.
I preferred Kate when she was a mystery wrapped in a designer dress. Even her model daughter Lila Grace is suitably exotic.
But the brand is just your bog-standard nonsense, curated from Kate’s ‘extraordinary life experience’ and promising to be ‘mesmerising and magical’. It doesn’t promise to explain the luscious lips, but I can take a wild guess they weren’t created by magic.
The Sacred Mist has already sold out because its promise of inner peace for just £120 was clearly too hard to resist. If you buy two do you get world peace?
The face cream promises to fix oxidative stress, which is surely the worst kind of stress, and the skin drops are genuinely made from the Mythical Tears of Chios — it’s either the resin from a Greek tree or an episode of Dr Who.
There are also two teas, which will probably transport you to an undiscovered wellness realm. Just add hot water.
I wouldn’t deny anyone the chance to take a punt on a business. Stranger Things’ Millie Bobby Brown got in on the beauty act at 15 with Florence by Mills, and then promptly had to apologise for a video demo in which she didn’t actually use any products.
Cindy Crawford’s fessed up to all her fillers and Botox along with her skincare range. Rihanna’s Fenty Beauty was credited with being a game-changer in the industry by selling an inclusive range of foundations.
But Kate’s selling of a skincare dream after 30 years of having your skin cared for by the best experts a global career can buy is a serum too far. I’d guarantee she’s never stood in Superdrug cruising the two-for-one offer or baulked at the price of unattainable high-end brands.
I’m fairly certain she’s never hoked in the corners of a jar of moisturiser hoping the remains will stretch to pay day.
If the range even displayed the tiniest hint of taking the mickey after years of a caner lifestyle, I wouldn’t feel the need to do it for her.
Sadly, it can only be a matter of time before the former queen of craic is flogging a crocheted wellness candle.