Slate Plus members get more Care and Feeding every week. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband recently suffered from a rather significant heart attack. He is recovering but has permanent damage to his heart. He is able to continue to work (desk job) but will have limitations on movement-based activities. He is quite young (mid-30s) and we have two young elementary-aged kids. At the time of his heart attack, I obviously went through a range of emotions.
I was terrified, sad, and relieved all at once. Now that we’re a few weeks past his heart attack and life is getting somewhat back to normal, I’m mad at my husband. I’m beyond mad—I’m furious, livid, and disgusted.
About a year and a half ago, my husband went to his doctor for a physical. He hasn’t been to a doctor in over 10 years (his choice). He was told at that appointment that his cholesterol, blood pressure, and HDL/LDL levels were abysmal. He was told to change his diet, exercise, and make lifelong lifestyle changes. He chose not to. I provided opportunities to change his habits and offered to join 100 percent in those changes but again he declined. He is completely convinced that it’s his family history that caused the heart attack. His parents also follow similar dietary and sedentary lifestyles to my husband. I do realize that genetics do play a part but so do lifestyle activities. As we’re further and further away from his heart attack, I’m getting more and more angry.
He could have made an effort to change, he could have attempted to be healthier, and he didn’t. I want to scream at him: HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO OUR FAMILY? I’m on a waitlist to talk with a counselor but I’m afraid to start this conversation with my husband for fear I will explode at him. I know I need to discuss this with him but I’m afraid I’m going to completely lose it, which isn’t going to help either of us. Do you have any suggestions in the short term until I can talk with someone?
—Heavy Heart
Dear Heavy Heart,
This is eerily similar to a situation with my dad. Without going into gruesome detail, he experienced some relatively minor complications during a colonoscopy that discouraged him from going back to get another one (even though the exam found some abnormalities). He told my mom he was fine and that there was no need for another colonoscopy in the future. Even though my mom begged him to be seen by a doctor, he refused. Shortly after, he died of colon cancer—a fate that could’ve been prevented if he just listened to my mom and his doctor. We all loved him dearly, but I also don’t think any of us truly forgave him for not taking care of himself. The man should be alive today.
I’m sharing that story because I don’t want your family, especially your children, to experience that type of pain. So, with that in mind, the time for being nice is over. This is a life-or-death situation that impacts multiple people. Who cares if you explode on him? I wish I would’ve had a big, emotional confrontation with my dad, because he may still be alive today if I had.
Try saying something along the lines of, “Listen, the way you’re currently living your life is going to put you at risk of another heart attack and I’ll be damned if I sit here and watch it happen to our family. I scheduled an appointment with your doctor and we’re going together to discuss exactly what needs to be done to get you back on track. This is not a negotiation; this is a mandate.”
He will probably list a bunch of reasons why he thinks he’s in this predicament, but that’s why this needs to happen in the presence of a doctor so they can explain what is really going on. From there, you should do everything in your power to ensure that he sticks to the treatment plan provided by his doctor, but ultimately, it’s up to him to do that. Hopefully, between talking to a therapist, his doctor, and you—he will realize how serious this is. If despite all of that he still reverts to his old behavior, then you’ll have to decide if you want to be married to a ticking time bomb. Quite honestly, I wouldn’t fault you one bit if the answer is no because I’ve seen that movie before and the ending is not pretty.
—Doyin
More Advice From Slate
I’m a stay-at-home mom, and my husband works outside the home. We have three kids and obviously we all sometimes get sick. However, for some reason (*cough* I wash my hands and he doesn’t *cough*) I usually seem to get a much milder case of whatever bug we’re all dealing with than my husband, or sometimes don’t get it at all, leaving me to care for sick kids without any help. I know I should be grateful that I don’t usually get as sick, but being under the weather and nursing sick babies while my husband sleeps all day is hard.
